mayday daddy!

I'm 20 years old. And not for long, I'll turn 21. In the depth of my conscious and subconscious mind, the question remains unanswered... WHO IS HE?

I'm talking about my biological father. I wonder how does he look like. Is there some part of him that I got? Like, do I have his eyes? His nose? His lips? His attitude? His intelligence? Scratch the last one, cuz I got my intelligence on my own.

My lola and me were chatting while stuffing stuffs in the cabinet. She suddenly came across the question about my "dad". She asked if I already asked this to my mom? Because, surely, my mom knows all. I simply said no, and joked about it. In fact, I grew up without him. But curiosity never failed to get me.

I started making my list of what my dad should be... HAHA! I used the materialistic me to make this list. so here it goes:

1. He must be RICH! *kaching*
2. He must know his shortcomings.
3. He must not be ashamed of me.
4. He must be good-looking.
5. He must be an owner of a big time company or whatnot.
6. He must treat me right.
7. He must be have Papa Al's aura...

hmm... I guess I'm not really interested to spend time with him. I just want to meet him and tell him, "here I am, all grown up. I made it to college without you. But you still have the responsibility of treating me as your daughter." And lastly, I want to experience how it feels to be with my REAL dad.

he doesn't love me anymore... :(

Cawi. I think he doesn't love me anymore. For whatever reason, I don't know. But here are few of the reasons I formulated out of paronaia.


1. He is waiting in vain for whoever that girl is.
2. He wants to go back to his X.
3. He just fall out.
4. He is flirting with another girl/s.
5. I don't satisfy him the way he wanted me to.
6. He is blaming me that he did not get to greet his mom on Christmas day.
7. Something must have happened to someone dear to him and now he is blaming me...

I can't help but think of these stupid reasons and blame myself why he is hating me.

Christmas Heartache

Last night, I was calling him for about 30 times or more. He is not answering his phone. I was worried that something might have happened to him. Then later on, I realized he's ok when he replied in YM with a blank message. He's just in their house. But something really bothered me. He's not answering his phone on purpose. I don't know but i think I did something wrong to him in the morning on that same day. He was asking me to load up his number, but I can't for the reason that I am penny-less that time. I tried texting my classmate to load his number but me, too, had ran out of load... so that made the two of us. I was worried because he told me that his brother texted him. AND IT IS IMPORTANT!

And after that, he's no longer replying to my messages. He even deleted my comment to his post on FaceBook. I'm not really sure if I'm paranoid about this, but I think this is really happening... I think he is falling out. I think he is not being attended to his needs knowing that he is all alone. I was thinking that he regretted he chose me.

And I was thinking why does this has to happen on Christmas day?